Here I am, sitting on my couch, writing. It’s a Saturday night, I was supposed to go out, but plans got changed and instead of downing liquor and dancing at a dark club with thumping music, I’m underneath a blanket, reading. Nothing wrong with that, I love reading…except I feel a little lonely. I hate sounding so pathetic but it’s true. I would never verbalize this to anyone I know, though. It’s just that when I’m by myself, my mind wanders into some deep shit, especially when I want to go out and socialize. I don’t necessarily want to get drunk, I did that last night already. I simply wanted to go out to some place different. I always end up going to the same bars or clubs, it’s irritating. I hate that the people I am around, friends and family, don’t lke trying new things or exploring the wonders that this city has to offer. Everyone is so boring sometimes.
Lately I’ve been feeling more and more lonely. The yearning to be with someone keeps growing stronger and stronger…the pressure is mounting. I am not open about my sexuality so it makes it very difficult to go out and meet someone. Again, I absolutely hate writing this and putting it into words, but it’s true. I want someone to have lazy movie nights with, I want to discover new restaurants with this person, I want to lay in bed with them, basking in the warmth of the blanket and talk about nothing, our arms around each other. I want to experience passionate sex. Goodness, you have no idea how badly I fiend the touch of soft, warm skin of woman against mine. But despite the intensity of my desires, the power of my crippling fear takes over and I am left paralyzed and afraid to go after what I want. I have deprived myself for so long I wonder how I’ll feel when I finally get to hold a beautiful girl’s face in my hands and kiss her with all the urgency that has built up inside of me. Not that I haven’t kissed a girl before. Two girls. I kissed both of them drunk, one of them we kissed and hooked up sober but I didn’t feel the electricity and butterflies that I expected. I guess I didn’t know her well enough. I mean someone that I actually like and someone who likes me back.
For a long time now I’ve been feeling like shit because I couldn’t find a real job…one that was in my field, that I enjoyed and that paid decently. I was bombarded on social media (and in real life) with my peers enjoying success and seemingly having their shit together and I couldn’t help but feel jealous and horribly inadequate. I became angry that no one could see my potential and the talent that I had. Why didn’t anyone realize how much I could give to their company? I felt like a failure despite still being employed (in retail) and gaining some awesome writing experience, even though I wasn’t getting paid. But now, after constantly applying for jobs and never giving up, I snagged my first big girl job. I am not in love with it, but I actually like it and I don’t mind going to work on Mondays. That’s a huge step for me as I pretty much hated almost every job I’ve had in the past. What’s important is that I am learning so much and this experience will certainly push my career further. I am very focused on making a name for myself.
But what does my career have to do with anything? Well it’s the beginning of getting my shit together. This existential crisis has always been a part of my life, as it is with so many other confused and lost souls such as myself. I may still be struggling with my sexuality and the resulting loneliness, but finally my career has been gaining some traction. At least that can bouy me up so I don’t drown. The next step is coming out and dealing with people’s reactions, which may not be so pleasant.