The simplest moments were the ones I cherished the most. Sitting on the couch with you watching TV shows. With only inches between us I felt close to you, yet so far away. Sitting at that restaurant by the beach, not saying a word, just looking out at the ocean while the breeze tussled our hair and brushed our skin. Those times where you would take my hand and keep it in yours, our fingers entangled. That’s only when you’ve had a bit too drink, but you did it more than once. I may have had too much to drink too, but the warm feeling of closing off distance between us is utterly clear to me. All those conversations we had over a drink. We can talk about anything, even now when we’re an ocean apart. From the pain and heartache we’ve faced in the past to the totally ridiculous and jokes that would raise eyebrows but would be entirely clear to us.
We’ve had our fair share of intense moments. We disagree on many things. Sometimes I don’t understand you and sometimes you don’t understand me. I don’t hesistate to let you know when you’re fucking irritating me; I’m not afraid to call you out on your bullshit. And you do the same for me. Though, we’ve never gotten into a screaming match where we yell things at each other that we didn’t mean in the heat of the moment. I admit that sometimes I do feel like doing that. Anger and resentment rear their ugly heads out from hiding whenever I think about how deeply you’ve hurt me. You didn’t mean to though, it’s not your fault that you don’t feel the same way about me as I feel about you. The tears, oh those goddamn tears. When I think about all the tears shed during the past year, I feel exhausted. I can’t tell you how many tears I’ve cried over you. You’ve witnessed me a few times, you even saw me at my worst that one night where I lost total control of my emotions (an embarassing episode brought on by the pain of being in love with you of course), but you still don’t understand the depth of the hurt. I’ve wiped a few tears from your cheeks as well. I’ve been your shoulder to cry on. I’ve held you when you broke down. I won’t ever forget those times. You were crying over someone else. I hate to see you sad because I care about you, but I also hate to see you sad for more selfish reasons. What hurts me so much and makes me so resentful towards you is that you were hurting so badly because of your feelings for someone other than me. You see how fucked up that is? There I am with my stupid feelings for you, consoling you because of your stupid feelings for him. Can you see how that would frustrate me? I still feel a stab to my heart every time I think of you with someone else. What’s worse is that I’m almost 100% sure you know how I feel about you. You’re just too afraid to face them and admit it to yourself. It’s terrifying, I know. And you know what? Although you could probably never be with a girl, I think you have some feelings for me too, however complicated or confusing they are. If I was a guy, what would you do then?
I want to tell you that I’m gay, I just don’t know how. I’m especially scared to tell you because I love you and because you probably know it too. If I told you, then it’d be that much harder for you to deny the truth. That’s scary territory to tread on because we’re such close friends. Sometimes you make me so angry, but mostly, I can’t stop thinking about you. In fact, you’re the last thing I think about at night and the first thing I think about when I wake up.
I feel like my relationship with you is full of contradictions. You say you’re 100% straight, yet you’ve mentioned more than once that you have/would considering being with a woman just to see what it was like. You even told me that you wish I was a guy and you asked me what I would do if you were a guy (you assumed I was straight). I just brushed it off because it scared me. When we first went out together along with a few of our friends, you were very touchy, it kind of freaked me out since a girl has never come on to me before. At that point we barely knew each other and I wasn’t really into you, but I was curious. I swear, from the way you were acting and the things you were saying, if I was more forward with you, something would have happened that night. Then morning came and you came to your senses. I guess you freaked yourself out and backed off. We’re so close and comfortable with each other, but there is this weird tension between us. I don’t know how to explain it, but there are moments when we would just look at each other, without saying a word and smile. I’m usually the one to look away, eye contact always made me uncomfortable. It’s like the other person can see into the depths of your soul. Sometimes you would let your hand linger on my arm or hand a moment longer than necessary and then pull away. If I initiate affection towards you, you recoil. I don’t get you…but at the same time I do. I know you.
I know that in the future you will find a boyfriend, that will kill me, but it’s a reality I will have to face. I have to get over my own fear of coming out to the rest of my friends and my family. That’s a whole other struggle on its own, one that will really test my strength and the strength of my relationships. I’m terrified, I really am. I feel like my world will be flipped upside down, shaken to its core. The weird thing is, if I told you, I think you’d be able to help me, you’d be there for me and support me. Another Catch-22.